my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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