Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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