Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So vagazzling was a success
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
