In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
