You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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