Define "chronic" masturbator.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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