I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Randomize
