I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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