He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
