Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
