There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When are your genitals available?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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