T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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