just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
