the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
