Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
