My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
