I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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