if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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