I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
