It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
