he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
