I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
