she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
