Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Randomize
