sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize