I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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