Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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