Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
