So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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