Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
