I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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