I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
