Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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