alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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