I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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