my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
