how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
