I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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