I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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