Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
