pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
