Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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