i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
