He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
