Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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