We're like a lot better than the average bears
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
