Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
