you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize