I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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