saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
