Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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