At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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