you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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