How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
