I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
