I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
