so that wasnt chicken after all
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
