I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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