I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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