theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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