That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I AM VODKA MAN
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
