Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
