non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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