dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
