I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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